After a few seconds she was flying through the air surrounded by collapising buildings and people screaming, and angry crimson fire spreading quickly accross the town. there was a dark red river of blood flowing between us.
The air was filled with the terrifying sound of frantic parents desperately calling to their children. Seconds later, as [insert character name here] flew through the debris-ridden air, she saw the crimson fire relentlessly devouring the town beneath her. A river of blood separated her from [insert name of character here].
There were people screaming and shouting their children's names. She was terrified; she didn't know what to do.
After a few seconds, she was flying through the air, surrounded by collapsing buildings and screaming people, angry crimson fire roaring up between the rubble. A dark river of blood was flowing between us.
Ok, just so you know, that last sentance is in first person (i.e. the narrator is a character telling the story), where as the rest of the story is in third person (i.e. an omnicent narrator is telling it as if they are watching it.) I would suggest changing it to: "A dark (red) river of blood flowed/was flowing between them." Other than that, I just fixed the grammar and took out a few words. Hope that helps.
There were people screaming and shouting their childrens' names.
she was terrified, she didn't know what to do.
After a few seconds she was flying through the air or (she was flung through the air) surrounded by collapsing buildings and people screaming, an angry crimson fire was spreading quickly across the town. A dark red river of blood was flowing between us.
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