"Did you know that San Diego translates to German as: A whale's vagina?"
"Mr. Dorfman?" "Hellloooo"
"You Kick My Dog! You come onto my property and you kick my dog, now my dog need operation!!"
"Call it car Ramrod!"
"It's called Afghanistanimation"
Shut your mouth when your talking to me!
I wonder if i am right when people agree to what i say.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
You laugh because I'm different.....
I laugh cause I just farted!
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
Beer is proof that God loves us...Ben Franklin
Mac: Oh, c'mon, we're like the sons you never had.
Captain O'Hagan: If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now.
Mac: Smothered me in gravy you big dirty man.
I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark."
- Woody Allen
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."
"Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter."
"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."
"Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one."
"I don't know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it."
- Anonymous Chinese Student, during protests in Tianamen Square, Beijing, 1989
"Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way."
"Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases."
A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
-- Demetri Martin
Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
-- Demetri Martin
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.
-- Demetri Martin
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
-- Bill Cosby
If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
-- Dave Allen
Yogi Berra, a former Yankees baseball player, was known for his outlandish quotes. Look up some of his, but I list the ones I remember.
"If you don't know where you're going, you'll probably wind up some place else."
"We just made too many wrong mistakes."
What time is it? "You mean now"?
find out who you are, and do it on purpose-dolly parton
"how could you do this to me?" "because i'm in love with you!" "what kind of an excuse is that!?!"-only you
"why do i keep hitting myself with a hammer? because it feels so good when i stop."-grey's anatomy
"don't wait...procrastinate now."-ellen degeneres
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back."
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
The road to success is always under construction.
He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
I can resist everything except temptation
There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
SAVE WATER !
DRINK BEER !
"You have all the virtues I dislike and non of the vices I admire"- Churchill
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a letter saying I approved of it"
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him"
Reality is an illusion, albeit a very persistant one.
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