Funny quotes needed!!?

Question:WELL ANYONE KNOW ANY !

Answers:
"I used to have Mad Cow's disease,
but I'm alright Nooooooooow."
~~Billy Connolly

"I went to a bookstore and asked
the saleswoman where the Self Help
section was. She said if she told me
it would defeat the purpose."
~~Dennis Miller

"I had plenty of pimples as a kid.
One day I fell asleep in the library.
When I woke up, a blind man
was reading my face."
~~Rodney Dangerfield


"Avoid fruits and nuts.
You are what you eat."
~~Jim Davis


"Organized crime in America
takes in over forty billion dollars
a year and spends very little
on office supplies."
~~Woody Allen
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
Don't now, have had the starch beat out of me... but still think W.C. Fields was very funny, a lot of quotes... try this possible link of "familiar quotes" (it's Bartelby.com for sure is all I know)
http://www.Bartelby.com/quotes
and this one for W.C.:
http://www.louisville.edu/~kpray... supposed to be a wide variety of 'things' on this link.
"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."
"One of my greatest pleasures in writing has come from the thought that perhaps my work might annoy someone of comfortably pretentious position. Then comes the saddening realization that such people rarely read." - John Kenneth Galbraith

"Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them." - Lily Tomlin

"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it." - Mark Twain

"I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected."- Henny Youngman

"Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me." - Ambrose Bierce

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." - H.L. Mencken
If you can't stand the heat, stop tickling the dragon!
-Anonymous

Don't drink that poison! It cost me five bucks!
-Groucho Marx

There are two things nobody respects after seeing them made: laws and sausages
-Otto von Bismark

I'm still alive!
-last words of a Roman emperor (I can't remember which)

And, from the lips of Homer J. Simpson:
"Homer no function beer well without"
"Here's to alcohol: the cause of and solution to all our problems!"
"Facts are meaningless!"
"English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England."

Oh, yeah, and this:

"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself..."
-Mark Twain
It's better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak, and remove all doubt!

Head for the Roundhouse, Nellie - they'll never corner you there!

Nellie wore a new dress; it was mighty thin. She asked me how I liked it, I told her with a grin, "Wait 'til the sun shines, Nellie!"

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