Funny Quotes?

Question:I am looking for the funniest quotes by anyone!

You can't go wrong with Homer Simpson:

"All my life I've had one dream: to achieve my many goals."

"(Toast) To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder."

"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"

"I believe children are the future... unless we stop them now!"
I always loved this one:

"In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is."------------ by Yogi Berra

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It's not the funniest you'll find, doubtless, but I find this one pleasant. This is a translation of my own of a French quote:

"If those who says wrong things on me knew all the wrong I think of them, then they would say a lot more."
I'd hate to tell you what I think about when I'm in the bathroom. ----- Brodie (Mallrats)
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
Thomas A. Edison

A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
Don Marquis
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body-LOL some sports player

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff-Mariah Carey

I get to go overseas, like Canada-Britney Spears
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." -Groucho Marx

"The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp." -Terry Pratchett

"Robert Novak apparently, they say, broke his hip. I think it's not the case. I believe his hip tried to escape." -Jon Stewart

"That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself." -Craig Ferguson

Sugar: Water polo? Isn't that terribly dangerous?
Junior: I'll say. I had two ponies drowned under me.
-Some Like it Hot

"If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game... you're either gay, or married. " - Jeff Foxworthy

"Reality is like a fruitcake. Pretty enough to look at, but with plenty of nasty things lurking beneath the surface." -Gil's All Fright Diner

"Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something." -The Princess Bride
My favorite:

Everyone complains about the weather but no one ever does anything about it
(Toast) "Time is a waste of life, life is a waste of time, so get wasted all the time and have the time of your life"

"Life is like a soccer game and I'm up for MVP"

"Soccer players do it for 90 minutes in 11 different positions"

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