2. Now why on EARTH would you think that I would find that funny?
3. READ THE RULES!
4. Let's see. A refrigerator filled with soy sauce packets, Diet Pepsi and yogurt that has blue stuff floating on top.
5. My mother was right about you...GAWD!
6. They say it's never too late to get your life straightened out... THEY never met YOU !
If my cousin Ben weren't a blood relative I would swear he was from a different planet. Sometimes I think he is, anyway. Perhaps otherworldly beings swapped him for a human child when he was a newborn. Even so, we have always been very close.
Ben is a certified genius who never had to study one day in his life. But, when it comes to simple, mundane things he is a blithering idiot. He had calmly telephoned me and asked for my help because he was in danger of being evicted from his apartment - again. I do love my cousin, but some days I feel like wringing his neck!
First of all, the place was a complete mess. Then, there was the problem of the baby alligator in the bathtub. The more I thought about it, the madder I got. He opened the door and I launched into a full-blown tirade. "Ben, how many times do I have to tell you? You've got to abide by your rental agreement. READ THE RULES!"
"But Joanie, they have to see reason. I couldn't let a baby alligator go in the middle of the city. I just needed a little more time to find it a home. What was a supposed to do, say 'see you later, alligator' and drop it out of my 10th story window?" He giggled at the thought. "Now why on earth would you think I would find that funny?" I growled. "Look, Ben, I'm out of patience with you. You are just going to have to act more normal. I can't be here to bail you out all the time!" I stomped over to his couch and grabbed something to read. I had to calm down before I said anything else.
Ben continued. "Besides, the new landlord is a flibbertigibbet who flies off the handle at the least little thing." "A whaaa?" I answered. He waved his hand. You have to work on your vocabulary," he said. I stabbed my finger at the page I was reading. "Yeah," I said sarcastically, "when you say 'quagmire with no exit strategy' you're talking about our relationship, right? I get that much!" Ben looked apologetic. "Okay, that wasn't nice. Could you just help me out one more time?"
I got up and started straightening the place up. "My mother was right about you...GAWD!" I said. Next, I went into the kitchen. "Let's see...a refrigerator filled with soy sauce packets, Diet Pepsi and yogurt that has blue stuff floating on top." I made a face. "You never learn!" He shrugged his shoulders helplessly, then said, "Yeah, but I know you love me anyway." I shot him a mean look. "They say it's never too late to get your life straightened out...THEY never met YOU!" I yelled, seething.
Ben paced around the living room. "Calm down, calm down!" he said. "If you agree to go downstairs and mollify the landlord, I promise I'll do anything. This time I really will change." "Anything?" I asked. He nodded "Yeah, anything. I mean it."
In the end, things worked out for the best. The new landlord looked like a Greek god. Meeting him was one of the best things that ever happened to me. We've been happily married now for five years. And what became of my cousin? After he got his second chance, he turned over a new leaf and learned to clean and cook. In fact, he went on to become a world-famous chef. Every once in a while, I send him a letter and throw in a cookbook as a gag. He takes it good naturedly. When he writes back, he always sends me a vocabulary book!
*I can just take those phrases as is and write a shortie* (only had to add a little. Have fun reading.
"When you say 'quagmire with no exit strategy',you're talking about our relationship, right?" "Now, why on EARTH would you think that I would find that funny?" "Are you trying to end it with me? I should think I could find more reasons to end it with you!" I snorted at Sam.
"When you moved into that apartment what did the manager say to do first? You don't remember? OH, me on my, who are you?" "He said to READ THE RULES first!" I growled. I could still see that look of 'empty' in his handsome face and beautiful eyes.
As we entered I could smell strong rancid odors coming from his kitchenette. "Let's see.A refrigerator filled with soy sauce packets (some opened), Diet Pepsi and old yogurt that has blue stuff floating on top." "PHEW!" I bellowed.
"My Mother was right about you..GAWD!" I mourned. He still had that emptiness in his face and eyes.
"They say it's never too late to get your life straightened out..THEY never met you!" I yelled back over my shoulder as I went out the front door.
I never was sorry for leaving that day for soon after I met the ideal mate at the humane society who is cleaner and brighter than my ex-boyfriend ever thought of being. "Here, Sadie, come have a treat!" Obedient? She knows the rules!
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