2. The tabloids will pay good money for a photo of Nessie... This should pay for my daughter's college education!
3. Ethel. ETHEL! OMG!! My wife is gone!
4. And just how much whiskey have you consumed today, sir?
5. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?!
6. I laughed so hard, my lungs hurt!!
Nessie wasn't just any old girl.. Nessie was a STAR.
Every day of her life she was put on display as if she were for sale . she couldn't go anywhere without being recognised, or followed around by hopeless adoring fans in hope of an autograph or photo or maybe more. And the Paparazzi. well, they were just the worst. They once photographed her mid-sneeze but altered the photo to make it appear as though she was picking boogers out of her long, adorable snout. and sold it to the local tabloids. It made the front page with the headline "NESSIE'S BACK AND PICKING A WINNER!" *What a bunch of Jerks*
She hadn't any peace of mind... not at the supermarket, or at the mall, or at the gym, or at the beach, or out for a walk, or even at a small tiny hole in the wall restaurant out to dinner with friends... not anywhere, ever. As not a day went by in which someone didn't recoginse her and stop her in the middle of her daily activites saying, "Like ooooohhhh mmmy goooooodddd!!? ARE YOU NESSIE? THE NESSIE? Like, OMG! Like... OMG the Loch Ness Monster NESSIE? OMG!! OMG! HEY MILDRED! ALBERTA! DELORES!! Come over here FAASSSST!! GUESS WHO I'M STANDING HERE TALKING TO! ---> NESSIE THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!! LIKE OH MY GOD!! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! LIKE OOOOH MYYYYY GOOOOODDDD!!"
To which extent Nessie just HAD to sign autographs for them and take photos and kiss their ugly, rotten, spawn of the devil babies, for the sake of her public image of course. Not to mention she constantly had to hang out at after awards parties chit-chatting and jibberjabbering with all the no-name wannabe friends of the network Execs, and other celebrities, just to keep her name out there. Even though some days she just wanted to go home. (Not that it was all bad, some days were just great! But most of them a terrible headache.)
But the others often got offended thinking her rude or ungrateful if she turned them down, so she often had to comply, even though she just wanted to be alone. Sadly, it was all part of the job. "Networking and keeping up appearances" her agent told her. Somedays she'd angrily think, "oh how i'd just love to have a serious word with him." But what she really wished is that she could just fire his gold digging butt, but she couldn't find an honest replacement anywhere in all of Hollywood. Agents, they were all reptiles. Cold-blooded, money-grubbing, lazy, worthless sloths, giving out crap jobs in exchange for keeping their greedy little fingers deep in her pockets. and everyone else's for that matter! She so seriously needed a new agent. or at least a way to get back at hers.
Sometimes it seemed as though she hadn't a real friend in all the world. Except Ethyl. Yes, Ethyl was a very good friend to her. Ethyl was the wife of (line) ST. COLUMBIA, THE IRISH MONK, who acted as Nessie's spiritual advisor, and her only trusted confidant, other than Ethyl of course. The two of them often suggested to Nessie that she dump her low-life of an agent (and ex-husband) and give up life in the spotlight retiring to some small, unmapped part of the world where she could enjoy the rest of her years away from hustle and bustle and madness of celebrity life. She had tried that once though. She had leased a lake in Loch Ness hoping to spend the rest of her years in peace and quiet. It went well with her for decades until someone spotted her taking her afternoon bath in the nude. Then it was all over. And all the sad, pathetic, fame-seeking morons came with their cameras and their newstrucks, hoping to get a glimpse of her!. (That's how Nessie got the title of Loch Ness Monster!) But she wasnt a monster! She was pre-historic dinosaur from the Messosic Period, the last of her family, and the last in the world. and she had feelings darn it! But they didn't seem to care. They were ruthless, heartless, fame-seeking thugs just trying to turn a quick buck at her expense.
She tried smoothing it over once with a few brainless hillbilles that came for a swim one day at the lake, but one drunken doofus fell into the water and got swept away down stream and out into the atlantic. and all the other tanked hillbillies said she lunged at him pulling him into the water and gobbled him up. How rude! As if!
But from that incident came all kinds of tall tales about her gobbling up humans as a midnight snack or just for kicks. Some stories even said she breathed fire! She tried to put a stop to that myth once by stating to press, "I don't breathe fire! Dragons breathe fire! And they're mythological creatures and don't really exist! I'm about as real as they come!" But nobody wanted to listen to her. Being the "Loch Ness Monster" was a tough burden to carry, and she wasn't sure if she could handle it any longer.
One day, over lunch with Ethyl and the Irish Monk, Nessie and the gang overheard Herbert (her swine of an agent/ex-husband) talking to a group of "journalists" about capturing some photos of Nessie in "compromising positions"... such as bathing or swimming in the nude... (as well as some others that cannot be mentioned due to tactfulness). They offered him a TON of money to get the pictures, and he agreed and said he would pretend not to know who took them saying, (line) "THE TABLOIDS WILL PAY GOOD MONEY FOR A PHOTO OF NESSIE.... THIS SHOULD PAY FOR MY DAUGHTER'S COLLEGE EDUCATION!" And then he laughed. He laughed the most evil, ridiculous, cold-hearted laugh she'd ever heard.
Nessie was indignant and outraged saying to her friends through her tears "There just has to be a way to end all of this! I'm happy in Loch Ness and i don't think i should have to move out of the Lake just because of this nonesense! There must be something i can do. to stop all this malarchy and go on with my life. There just has to be!"
Then the Monk and Ethyl, being the good friends they were, agreed to help her in any way possible. They had never really liked Herbert anyways, he was a slimeball. So the three of them devised a plan that was sure to put an end to Herbert's back-stabbing, two-timing, gold-digging ways... for good!
Herbert was a bit of drinker... a heavy drinker, but that's putting it nicely. Truth be told one could never tell when he was actually sober, as he drank so often. He was an inebriate, a lush, a toady, a drunk by every definition of the word. Not that Nessie was judging him or anything as she'd been known to be a little more than tipsy at least a few times in her life. Even so, his weakness for alcohol was her road to victory. Sweet victory! So the three of them decided to give him his dues at the next after awards party. It would be perfect.
Finally, after months of worrying and planning and praying and rehearsing so that their scheme would work out... the fatefull day finally arrived. It was showtime.
Herbert was in the corner, sucking up margherittas like they were going out of style... chit-chatting it up to all the wanna-be big-busted floozies that fell for his line of crap. "Oh, who me?" Herbet said as part of his USUAL routine, "I'm no one! I'm just THE agent to Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster! I've gotten her TONS of jobs baby! Why she wouldn't be who she is without me sweetheart! Anyone ever tell you you're a doll! Face like an angel! You ought to be in pictures! I can make it happen baby! Here's my card! Call me sometime!"
Oh how Nessie loathed him. He just had a way of making her blood boil hot as the fires of hell. "Okay guys," Nessie said, "As soon as that Pamela Anderson reject wanna-be leaves his side, it's ON!" Ethyl and the Monk agreed, whole-heartedly.
After three very long hours of schmoozing and fraternizing and flirting with the Kiki, Queen of the Bimbos, Herbert who was fully loaded having a blood-alcohol level of +190 kindly got up and excused himself from the table saying in his oh so very typically "classy" way, "Gotta go take a leak babe. Catch you later." To which he stumbled off to a dark corner, thinking that was the lavratory. (as usual).
"Okay, now's our chance!" said Nessie. The three of them rushed over to the corner and caught Herbert just as he was in mid tinkle. Nessie and Ethyl pretend to argue, their voices growing increasing louder just to make sure Herbert could hear over the sound of his own drunken thoughts spinning inside his head. Of course it caught his attention. Nessie and Ethyl had never argued! Ever! As soon as they noticed he was looking, Nessie bent over and grabbed Ethyl with her monsterous jaws, throwing her behind a wall, but pretending to gobble her up. Then she belched loudly and said, "That ought to teach you a lesson you hussie!" To which case, the Monk, right on cue ran over and screamed in horror, (line) "ETHYL! ETHYL! OMG! MY WIFE IS GONE!"
Herbert, though completely intoxicated, was pretty sure he just witnessed his ex-wife eat her best friend alive! She'd never done that before! Not even having time to zip up his trousers (nor realising) he exclaimed in horror, "Nessie! What have you done?! (line) ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK??" Nessie did the same thing to the Irish Monk (pretending to eat him also) then she grinned manically and belched again, saying, "Tastes like chicken."
Herbert was momentarilty speechless. Then Nessie grinned and gazed blankly right into Herberts eyes saying, "You're next honey."
Completely flaberghatsted and now totally afraid, Herbert ran out to the bar, (still unzipped!) shouting crazily to all the patrons, "Help! Help! My wife's gone mad! She's gone cannibal! She just gobbled up her best friends and now she's after me! Help I tell you! Call the police!"
Thinking Herbert was in a alcohol induced psychotic rage and perhaps inclined to becoming violent, an off-duty officer attending the party that night interceded on behalf of the horrified party-goers. (line) "AND JUST HOW MUCH WHISKEY HAVE YOU CONSUMED TODAY, SIR?" he stated bluntly. Herbert began to stammer again about Nessie gobbling up Ethyl and the Monk, but was cut short before he could finish his sentence. "Get this guy to detox Frank," said the officer, "He's obviously had too much drink and we couldn't risk him going off and killing someone because of these intoxicated hallucinations." To which case Herbert was immediatly escorted out of the building, and into a police wagon then off to jail, where he spent the remainder of the night (and half of the next morning) mumbling incoherently to himself about what he had 'witnessed' at the party. "But i saw her do it! Then she belched and said tastes like chicken!" he hollered to the deputy just outside the cell. "You gotta believe me!"
Still recanting this horrible tale hours after the buzz wore off, the cops assumed he was delusional and sent him off to an asylum, never to be heard from again.
Months later, enjoying her new found freedom, and peace of mind and thankful to be rid of the lying, two-timing, money-grubbing sleezebag Herbert, Nessie decided to celebrate her victory over lunch, with Ethyl and the Monk. As they were waiting for the main course, they over heard the converstaion at the booth behind them. It was the officers who'd had the unfortunate pleasure of dealing with the drunken Herbert on that fateful night. They were speaking of the incident in question. "Go ahead Frank," said the one officer, "Tell the story of the guy who swears he saw the Loch Ness Monster eating a bunch of people at a Hollywood party last fall!" He chuckled, "You gotta hear him tell this story Joe," he said, (line) "I LAUGHED SO HARD MY LUNGS HURT!" As the kindly officer began to recant the hillarious tale of Herbert's drunken frenzy, Nessie, Ethyl and the Monk just sat there, quite pleased with the way things turned out, and chuckling quietly to themselves, as best they could.
It's really not all that rotten, Herbert was a louse, a rotten, wicked man, and had deserved this for quite some time. Maybe in a few more months Nessie thought, she would come clean and get Herbert off the hook. Maybe. If he promised to recant and make right all the evil things he had said and done. But he'd never do that. Even so. she'd consider it. maybe.
omg , you guys let me tell you a story. When i heard it , i laughed so hard my lungs hurt!
it all started last sept when St Columba,the irish monk was reading that the tabloids will pay good money for a photo of Nessie.. "This should pay for my daughter's college education !" he shouted, then lowered his voice ,because he wasn't really supposed to have a daughter,being a monk ,and all..
so, off he went to the monkboss and said to him"I need a leave of absence".
"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?! ", the monkboss shouted." Do you have any idea how backed up we are in Distributing our casks? "
"Well, i'll take some with me," sez Columba. and so it was agreed upon, and off Went Columba, who wished his name was really ColumbO , because he really loves that show.
He arrived at the loch in good time ,and got there just in time to Hear
"Ethel, ETHEL! OMG!! My wife is gone!" and some crazy looking guy with a "Fred" shirt ,frantically pointing out into the middle of the water. "She was just there and now she's missing."
ST Columba knew just what to do. He had an excellent Excellent camera with him. it could get all kinds of pictures, even underwater ones , from afar on the shore. He quickly snapped some pictures ,and found Ethel, Then he grabbed his kegs,tied them together and using them as a makeshift raft,rowed out to where she was and dove down and saved her .
Now,it took a while getting back to shore ,as Ethel was not a slender reed.and By the time they were nearing shore the cops were just getting there.
Of course the first thing they said was "and just how much whisky have YOU consumed Today, Sir? " ,Because it was looking pretty shady (they'd managed to lose some clothing in the rescue, too .. it really was quite a mess...
aw.. it was a lot funnier with the pictures..
OH that reminds me. a few ppl had taken pictures of their own ,during the rescue, and one kind soul was even nice enough to take some pictures with the St's camera, so he'd have some shots , too.
It turned out that the tabloid bought Columba's pictures and his illigitimate love child was able to go to school after all.
And there were even some pictures that kinda Did look Loch Ness Monstery. What with Ethel having lost her bathing suit bottom during the ordeal... ; )
only one answer for a reason. your asking to much work
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